OFF-THE-CUFF

For years, I’ve been a Dayton supporter and couldn’t have been happier following Dayton’s progressive moves over the last couple months. I’m a University of Dayton alumnus and was tickled pink about their NCAA Cinderella run. Honestly, how many of you thought I was referring to Gov. Mark Dayton? Below, I have different from usual reading fare.

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I had a stormy dream the other night in neon-crisp colors, a visual extravaganza, like flipping out watching Hulk Hogan sing Pink Floyd’s greatest hits after eating 25 psychedelic mushrooms.

The dream started benign: I was eyeing a television news show in which a government spokesperson announced that every American had to buy a Lexus SUV while allowing the option of choosing gold, silver or bronze paint jobs. I was viscerally upset at not being allowed to keep my new 2013 Chevy Spark and having to buy a damn Lexus. The announcer said I had no choice.

But I didn’t want a Lexus. I wanted my Spark.

My Spark got 40 mpg and was barebones-white and may have been more a little boy’s Matchbox car than anything a real grownup in cotton underwear would drive. It had manual transmission, manual crank windows, and manual side mirrors. Yet the Spark had everything I wanted, including low monthly payments and efficiency, thank you very much.

The Lexus had features I didn’t need, including a 7,000-pound towing capacity, 4WD, 383 horsepower, and a 19-speaker surround-sound system. I certainly didn’t need those mud flaps and whistles, and certainly couldn’t justify paying through the nose for it.

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The news announcer said 48 million Americans didn’t have an automobile and that the federal government—by mandating a Lexus purchase—would be trying to insure every American had equal access to employment via transportation.

So they were forcing me to scrap my car and purchase a new Lexus because 48 million people didn’t have transportation? Was I somehow missing the logic in their argument?

A government spokesperson said my Lexus payments would be about $2,500 less per year than what I was paying for my Spark, which made no sense. I knew how much a Spark cost and how much a Lexus probably would cost. No way a Lexus could be less.

Confused, I wandered the streets. Nothing made sense. I drank heavily. I turned on another television set and heard a government spokesperson then say I would have to pay a tax for not buying a Lexus. What? Get taxed for not purchasing a car I couldn’t afford?

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In my dream, a week later, the announcer said a government agency had decided on its own, without Congressional approval—and therefore the agency was breaking the law—to make 38 major exceptions about who had to buy a Lexus and when and how much. Many big businesses and labor unions never would have to buy one. Congressional staffers would get subsidies to help make their Lexus payments. Some business owners could delay buying a Lexus up to two years—and so the latter could keep their Sparks for a while.

However, no exceptions were made for me, a small business owner without employees. They were making me buy a Lexus even though I had no need for 7,000-pound towing capacity, full-time 4WD, 383 horsepower, and a 19-speaker sound system. It looked like going forward I would have to work extra hours to pay for a Lexus I didn’t need.

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At one point in this techno-color dream extravaganza I became terribly upset—my wife said she heard me punching my pillows—right after I dreamed of bringing in my Lexus for service and was told by the service manager I couldn’t see my old mechanic. But he and I had been good friends. I had trusted him. The service manager said I had to see their new, government-approved Lexus mechanic.

Right away, I telephoned my old mechanic to complain. He said he had retired a month before to avoid all the hassles. He also said the government, through borrowing trillions of dollars, would be heavily subsidizing the costs associated with 75 percent of the people buying a Lexus. He said young people down the road through higher taxes would have to pay off those borrowed trillions. He said my children in future years would not only be responsible for forking over mega-greenbacks for their own expensive Lexuses, but also for the debt mine was creating today.

Awaking in a cold sweat, I rubbed my eyes and felt immediate relief. This had been only a dream. Nothing like this could ever occur in the United States of America, the land of the free and home of the brave.

I think I’ll go eat some psychedelic mushrooms.

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Thanks again for reading southern Minnesota’s first and only locally owned business magazine, the only one reaching 8,800 business decision makers in nine southern Minnesota counties. See you next issue for a real blockbuster.